Binding Regrets
by Crystal R. Black
Summary: On the eve of her wedding, Lily Evans goes to a place of old memories to clear her head. Sometimes a stroll down memory lane can lead to healing or regrets. Snily. Two-Shot.
1. Binding Friendships

Binding Regrets

Lily Evans had felt the pressure mount as the impending date of her wedding loomed over her head. James, her fiancé, was out with his mates for one last romp under the moon; this gave her the perfect opportunity to get out of the house herself. She decided that one her last evening should be spent with her parents in Cokeworth.

Petunia had long since moved out, making the house seem that much more inviting. Upon arrival, her parents warmly greeted her. Over a home cooked meal, she admitted her nervousness, but was only met with smiles and told they were normal feelings to have. Lily never felt she was quite normal, but hoped that in this instance they were right. After dinner, her family moved into the living room. Over tea they kept the topics light and discussed her future plans. They stayed up talking until about 10 when her mother suggested they all get some rest before the Big Day.

Lily laid in her childhood bed awake for a couple of hours. Her body never seemed to relax. At first she tried to tell herself the nerves came from just anticipation, though she knew deep down it was dread. James was a wonderful guy, but the longer that they stayed together the more she saw his pureblood upbringing show. It started with just the offhanded comments when she wanted to clean the muggle way.

"_Why not let the house elves do it?"_

"_Don't you know it's quicker to use magic?"_

"_Did you forget you were a witch?"_

They started as innocent teasing comments, but overtime the words grew with a bit more bite. From there James moved on to comments about her apprenticeship at St. Mungo's to be a Healer.

"_I'll never see you."_

"_How are you going to raise our kids if we are both at work?"_

"_I have plenty of money, so you don't have to worry about getting a job."_

She always wanted to bring good in the world. With her affinity to charms, she excelled in spell reversal and hoped to work on the Spell Damage ward. It was something that she was passionate about, especially with the war in Britain crashing down around them. It never seemed to be enough for him. She had finished her training a month ago, and let herself get convinced by James to take the month off to plan the wedding. It seemed she couldn't put it off much longer. Not even her old bed could give her comfort.

Turning her head, the clock stared back. It was after midnight and her mind still couldn't quiet. She got up and wrapped a dark wizarding robe around her. Putting on her shoes, she walked out the door into the chilled November air. The light snow on the ground padded her footsteps as she walked down her street. She desperately tried to clear her thoughts as she found herself at an old snow clad playground. Smiling to herself, she brushed the snow from the swing and sat down. After muttering a warming charm on her robes, she started lightly swaying.

Severus Snape was having trouble focusing on the potion in front of him. He needed to get this right or else the Dark Lord would be very displeased, but this stress only made his focus slip more. '2 sprigs of night shade, 6 stirs clockwise followed by 1 counter, then 3 drops of Golden Frog poison followed by 7 slow stirs.' He had been working on this potion for the last 2 days and this was the final step that he was chanting. Severus was beyond exhausted, but that particular frog venom was hard to come by. The potion was at its most volatile state and this was his only chance if he didn't want his organs liquefied. '6…7…' The electric green liquid in the cauldron bubbled ferociously as soon as he removed his stir stick. Snape's eyes widened as he watched the chemical reaction take place. He was about to conjure a shield when the bubbling subsided and turned a steady deep purple. The breath he didn't know he was holding rushed through his body as the tension left him. It just needed to sit for 5 hours and then it would be done. The adrenaline still pumped through his body and a now very awake Severus was going to take a much needed break.

It was past midnight when he stepped out onto Spinners End. The realization of what day it was hit him as his mind cleared. The upcoming wedding of the golden couple had been splayed across The Daily Prophet for the few last weeks as the newspaper looked for anything to report that didn't have to do with the ongoing war. It disgusted him to see any of that garbage pollute the Prophet, yet it disgusted him more he felt a compulsion to read it. A scowl painted his features at the thought of James Potter and his perfect fucking fairytale life.

His mood soured quickly as foul memories flicked across his normally organized mind. The sleep deprivation seemed to be weakening his occlumency shields. Severus was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't register the direction his feet were taking him or a figure just in front of him on one of the swings.

Lily felt his presence before she saw him. She could feel the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention. Although they had patched things up by the end of 7th year, she was still wondering if she could trust Severus Snape. With nearly 100 percent certainty, she was sure he had become a Death Eater. Lily calmed herself and clutched her wand tightly. The snow lightly crunched under his feet as he seemed to pause behind her only a few meters off. A full minute went by of tense silence and then he started to walk towards her. Lily's eyes darted around analyzing her surroundings as she waited with a stun spell at the tip of her tongue.

Severus was stunned to see her sitting here in the place of all their old memories. He briefly wondered if his mind was playing a cruel trick on him, but decided against such a thing. There wasn't much he could think to say so he removed the snow off the swing next to her with a wave of his hand and with a sigh he settled in.

At hearing his sigh, Lily found herself relaxing and chuckling inwardly. Why would she ever think Sev would hurt her? She had known him since they were both young children. A small smile graced her lips as she started swinging again.

Severus just sat motionless while his mind raced with the meaning of her here alone on the eve of her wedding. He finally broke the silence. "Why are you here?" This question posed innocently enough made Lily come to a halt. Any trace of a smile fell off her lips as she contemplated the answer. The moonlight soaked into her hair bathed her in an ethereal glow. Even in this troubled state, she was beautiful.

Lily wanted nothing more than to tell him everything like she did when they were kids. However, the rift that sat between them span years apart. It had been nearly 3 years since she last talked to him. How much had he changed? How much had she herself changed? There was no doubting the familiarity of his presence always comforted her. This is why in the end; she decided that the truth was her only option. She had been holding in her thoughts for too long. "I'm not happy." It came out in a small whisper.

The words floated away on the wind, but he had still heard. She was looking at him now with glistening eyes. "I haven't been happy in a long time." His head hung down from the weight of his confession. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. The lack of sleep was starting to get to him as a headache began to form. The cold air was starting to seep into his clothes as a chill ran over him. "If you would like to talk about it and get of this cold, we can go to my house." He let offer drift in the open as he stood up.

Sitting on the swing, Lily's eyes continued to follow him. This was the first time she was able to get a good look at him. His inky black hair was tied back away from his angular face, giving her an unobstructed view into his dark eyes and pursed lips. Tiredness seemed to overwrite his colder features; his eyes were faintly drooped at the corners and his slightly hooked nose seemed less severe. Lily had to admit, even in this exhausted state, Snape wore adulthood well. She contemplated his suggestion, but her body made the decision before her mind did and stood up to follow him. She gave him a small nod and they walked in a comfortable silence back to Spinner's End.

**A/N: Disclaimer – Only the plot is mine, I'm just playing with the Characters that JKR created. This is my first story in quite some time! I hope you enjoy. **


	2. Binding Commitment

The pair walked together and within 10 minutes they arrived on the street of Severus' childhood home. The brick houses that lined the road were all identically sad and sagging from the weight of age, poverty, and neglect. The rows of street lamps were all in various shades of disrepair. The ones that weren't broken or burnt out flickered with an orange light; bathing the area in a pulsing sense of foreboding and unease. The light would glint off the dirty dark snow mixed with trash and broken glass bottles in the gutter. Dogs barked as they walked onward to the house at Spinners End. Lily felt herself move closer to Severus who was unperturbed by the state of the neighborhood around him. For the first time, she wondered if this was a good decision.

As Severus got to the door, he unlocked it with a wave of his hand and stole a glance to Lily to make sure she was still with him. He paused outside the door wondering if he was making the right decision. Beyond the threshold was the evidence of a lonely existence consisting of potions and the Dark Lord. He had little else to offer as she was no doubt spoiled by house elves and exuberance.

"S-sev, C-can we go ins-ide?" Lily's teeth chattered. Severus was brought out of his self-depreciating reverie at the sound of Lily's distress. Her cheeks flushed red with cold as a shiver racked her small frame. He realized for the first time that she was in nothing more than a black robe and boots. His eyes widened as a blush crept to his face and opened the door.

The lights were bright as soon as they walked into the house causing Lily to blink as her eyes adjusted to the sudden change. Severus strode forward to the fireplace on the far wall in what she guessed was the living room. A dark worn couch, looked inviting facing the fire which was now happily crackling away thanks to Sev's efforts. She removed her wet boots and sat down on the couch pulling her cloak close to warm up. Severus noticed this and fetched a green and grey knit blanket and set it on the cushion beside her.

"Would you like tea or perhaps something stronger for the bride to be?" Severus couldn't help himself. The bitter phrase tumbled out of his mouth before he could even think as his face contorted in a sneer. Lily's face darkened as the thoughts of her upcoming wedding crashed down around her.

"Severus, please don't start." She pleaded as she looked up at him through her long delicate lashes. Her brilliant green eyes glistened with unshed tears, and just like that Severus found the fight leave him. Those damn almond eyes like perfectly cut jewels were cutting into him and burrowing into his heart, touching the deepest parts reserved only for her. His defenses fell as his features soften. '_Curse her.'_ Severus raised his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He closed his eyes as his headache from earlier bounced around in his skull.

"I need a drink, would you like one as well?" He said this softer with a sigh. She nodded as he took his leave to the kitchen.

Grabbing the blanket beside her, she wrapped it tightly around her body. '_I'm not going to cry.'_ She repeated over and over to herself. Lily looked around in an attempt to distract herself. She had never been to Severus's house, not that he had ever allowed her before. It was quite a bit cleaner than she had pictured but assumed it was all Sev's doing. No trace of his muggle father seemed to remain. No empty bottles, no telly, no pictures. The wall around the fireplace was instead covered in bookshelves. There were all manner of books with a collection that still seemed to be growing. Now that she gazed around the room she saw just how much books filled Sev's life. The coffee table in front of the couch had a stack of books. A quick glance at the titles in front of her told her they were potion journals. These were issued every 6 months to hail the progress of potioneers around the world. A smile crept to her face; she bet he had been published. He was routinely top of their class with a brilliant mind. She missed their conversations, their debates, even the little arguments. Three long years had passed and now being back in his presence again made her long for friendship they once shared. Why did he have to choose _them_ over her?

Hearing him coming back from the kitchen, she watched him approach. His long slender fingers clutched the two tumblers filled with ice in one hand and a new bottle of Ogden's Firewhiskey in the other. His features were showing signs of fatigue and she wondered how long it had been since he had a good night sleep. Setting the glasses and drinks down on the table before her, he poured two generous amounts before sitting down beside her. They both reached for their respective glasses as the amber liquid sparkled from the fire behind it. Lily glanced down at the glass in her hand and paused before bringing it to her lips.

"It's not poisoned." Severus said in an attempt to reassure the woman next to him. "I could never harm you." His tone was deep and soft like velvet on her skin. Severus made a point to take a drink from his cup. Lily gave a weak smile then took a drink herself. The alcohol burned down her throat, but had a pleasant taste. They sat in silence for a couple minutes. Both just lost in their own heads with their own set of problems. It was Lily who finally broke the stillness.

"Sev?" Lily turned her eyes to Severus who sat hunched over his cup. He looked up and met her gaze like he was so desperately trying to avoid. With his attention, Lily pressed on. "Do you ever feel like you have made a horrible decision but can't take it back?" The blanket around Lily tightened as she spoke. Severus wondered at the answer. He struggled with his response before finally settling on the simple one. He didn't want to tell her about his life as a Death Eater, but he still wondered what it could have been like if he had chosen to pursue her instead.

"Yes, I have. " He wouldn't be the one to break eye contact.

"Then you understand…" Lily trailed off and looked away. The intensity in his eyes was too much for Lily to bear. "You understand having a commitment that you cannot escape from. " Tears threatened to fall from her eyes. "In less than 12 hours, I have to be walking down the aisle to a man that I don't want to spend another moment with. It's supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but I'm terrified that I will never be happy again. We've been together for nearly 4 years, and now it's expected of me to play this part of the loving housewife. I've spent the last 3 years throwing myself into my apprenticeship to be a healer. I'm good at it, Sev! To James though, it's just some 'hobby' to help me pass the time. I can help with the Order if need be, but he doesn't want me to leave the house for my 'safety'. I can't handle him controlling my life." Lily covered her face in the blanket. Her body shook from the silent sobs. Severus was shocked at the duress she was under, but his anger started to creep in. How dare James Potter reduce his strong beautiful Lily to this pitiful person in front of him?

The anger he felt reflected back into his voice. "Just leave that worthless piece of shit." Severus finished off his drink then refilled it.

"I can't Sev, I have nowhere else to go!" Lily choked out while wiping her eyes with the edge of blanket. "With the war going, I can't stay with my parents. It will paint a large target on them. I already have to be careful as is. Muggle-borns are starting to go missing, Sev. I didn't make much from the apprenticeship, and I'll be damned if I take any of James's money to rent a flat."

"Stay here with me." Severus blurted out suddenly. Whether it was because of the alcohol or the lack of sleep, Severus did not know, but all the same the words left his mouth and were out to linger in the surprising hush that followed.

A cold scoffing laugh escaped from Lily's throat. "Right so I can get lead directly to my death. No thanks. I know what you are Severus. You wouldn't want to soil yourself with a Mudblood like me. What would your 'friends' think?"

The rejection and the insults just cut into Severus deeper and fed his growing anger. Lily always knew what to say to hurt him the most. Jaw clenched, he spoke through his tension. "When have I ever caused you harm? Did I kill you when I saw you on the swings? Did I drug you when I gave you something to drink? Have I ever taken advantage of you? Have I ever done ANYTHING to keep you from being happy and following your dreams?" Severus spit out the words with increasingly more malice. He could no longer sit still, but got up from the sofa to pace the floor in front of her. "Yes, I fucked up in a moment of embarrassment. I apologized several times and always tried to make it up to you. I gave you space, I sat here and listened to your fucking problems with the man I hate. Please, tell me Lily, when have I ever given you the indication, that I would sell you out and treat you less than you deserve?" Severus paused in front of her with a hard look set on his face. He eyed Lily and waited for a reply.

Lily sat in a stunned silence. Never before had she heard Severus speak with such brutal honesty. She felt ashamed of herself for calling their friendship into question. Shedding the blanket, Lily stood up and walked the few steps to Severus. Their eyes locked, and Lily saw not just the anger but the hurt that swirled in his dark eyes. She was captured under his gaze and entranced by the fierce passion of his words. "We all make mistakes, Sev. I'm sorry about what I said. I know you would never harm me, but the mark on your arm begs to differ. If you were to just walk away from them, I'll walk away from James. Neither of us can escape our choices, but maybe we can together." She took off her outer black wizarding robe and let it drop to the floor revealing a sheer white night gown underneath. Lily circled her arms around his neck. As she leaned into him, the scent of firewhiskey mixed with a spice of a potion filled her senses. The places where their skin connected tingled. "Sev, please?"

"Lily, I…" What would he say? He couldn't just leave the death eaters. If they left now, they would be on the run for their life. The Dark Lord would never stand for him to just leave. He would be made an example of and Lily…they would do worse things to her than death. His thoughts were thrown for a loop with her body so close to his. Severus wound his arms around the small of her back and pulled her closer. Could he risk their lives for this? Abruptly, his thoughts slammed to a halt as Lily brought her lips to his. The soft slow kiss was better than he had ever experienced in his life. There was certain tenderness in her touch as he could only repay her in longing.

When Severus returned the kiss, she felt her heart soar. In all those years letting James's words beat her down, Lily felt alive. She let out a deliriously happy giggle breaking the kiss. "I've always known it would be you to steal my heart." Her joyous laughter infected Severus. His concerns, worries, hurt, and anger all webbed away. He would follow her to end of the Earth and now was his chance to do just that. "Fuck James, fuck his friends, fuck the wedding, fuck this war. Fuck it all Severus." Lily's eyes shown bright with hope and held herself like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

"Indeed, fuck it all." Severus responded. They shared another kiss before they found themselves backing up. Severus hit the coffee table and let out a curse. Lily just giggled as she laid herself down on the couch like a white otherworldly angel waiting for only him. She looked so happy, and he was the cause of it. The smile on his face was a rare one that reached his eyes lighting up every part of his normally sullen features. Upon seeing this, Lily gave a little shriek of delight and pulled him on top of her. Their lips locked again, but this time a hunger to make up the lost years grew, making the kisses more immediate to fill the need inside them both. Clothes were shed quickly, but Severus made a point to focus on her pleasure. His lips never left her creamy pale skin flushed with the passion between them. He wanted to savour every inch of her flesh.

When he took the hardened bud of her nipple into his mouth, a moan filled his ears. It was a beautiful throaty sound that spurred Severus on in his ministrations. It was a warm hand that surprised him, as she grasped onto his member. "Oh Lily…" She only smirked back in response. He released her nipple only to bite playfully at the skin above it. The hand on his cock tightened as Lily moaned louder. It quickly became a game of trading pleasure until Severus had won rather underhandedly. The need the couple felt quickly boiled over as Lily gave a shy nod. Pushing himself into her, the two became one. His length filled her as her tight moist warmth engulfed him. They both moaned as a current of desire ran under their skin. It was then, that Severus became greedy in her pleasure. Every stroke of his hips was his control; every moan was musical tinder that pushed him on. Lily's nails bit into his back begging for more. The couple reached a loud explosive crescendo before slipping off the edge to a sighing bliss.

Pressing his sweaty forehead to hers he whispered, "I love you Lily." The words he was always afraid of saying slipped free.

Looking into his eyes, Lily smiled. "I love you too, Sev." They kissed again this time slowly to relish the moment.

A buzzing noise filled the air. Severus blinked sleepily before realizing the source of the sound. It was the alarm for his potion that needed to be checked and bottled. With a wave of his hand, the annoying noise ceased. Looking down at the shifting woman in his arms, the last few hours came back to him. With a smile he untangled himself successfully without waking her. Lily look beautiful with her tousled wavy red hair and a smile gracing her heart shaped lips. It was nearly 5 in the morning and as much as he wanted to stay with her, he couldn't let the potion ruin. Grabbing his discarded robe from the floor, he made his way down to the basement to the lab. As a yawn stretched across his face as he worked on autopilot. He noted the deep purple color still remained and began bottling the potion. There was no point letting his work go to waste even if what was in the container was deadly.

Putting the potion away safely, he walked back upstairs where he found Lily coming out from the loo with the knit blanket draped around her. "Sorry to wake you. I had a potion to attend to." He walked over and gave her a kiss. "If you are awake, I can make breakfast?" The few hours' sleep seemed to do wonders on Severus. The fatigue that marred his face was now filled with a youthful content that better fit his age.

"Oh I don't know Sev, maybe you can show me your bedroom and we can get a bit more sleep." Lily said coyly trying to hide the blush behind the blanket.

"How rude of me for not giving you the grand tour!" He murmured into her lips as he leaned down to claim them once again.

Suddenly, a sharp burning pain shot up his arm. He froze faced with a decision he put off last night. Lily noticing his behavior, looked at him quizzically. _'Not now'_ He couldn't go. He couldn't leave Lily behind. He needed to go, and just buy some time for them. This could work! With his mind made up and trying to ignore the pain, he pulled away from Lily. "I have to go, but I'll be right back! I'll make this up to you, I'll make this right." He was already starting to turn away from her to gather his things for the meeting. Lily's eyes widened as she realized what he meant. Following behind him, she started talking in a panicked voice.

"Severus Snape, you can't go. Just a few hours, you said you loved me. We are walking away together. Please Sev." She followed him into the basement as he grabbed the potion he had just bottled. Turning to face her and seeing her features filled with hurt and betrayal, he sat stunned with the decision.

"Lily, if I don't do this, they will come to the house and kill me. I need to go. I'm late. I'll be right back." He tried to comfort her. He was doing this for both their sakes, couldn't she see that? "When I get back we can talk about it, right now I have to go." He walked back up the steps quickly with Lily following close behind.

"If you leave, I won't be here when you get back. You are choosing them again. Stay with me, please Severus, I'm begging you." Her eyes were pleading with him, but he knew he could not ignore this summons.

"I'll be right back, I promise. We will work this out." The pain flared again in his arm, now the Dark Lord was angry. His face screwed up with the pain as he summoned his death mask.

"No we won't. It looks like we have both made our choices." She turned and disapperated with a crack and her presence was no more. The familiar feelings of his hope and love torn to shreds crashed into him, but with nothing else to do, he pushed those emotions back and disapperated himself.

**A/N - Hey guys! Thanks for reading my story. If you have time please pop in and leave a review letting me know what you think! As always, I am not JKR nor ever will be! Only the plot is mine. **


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